I’ve been meaning to write this post for some time now but honestly I just haven’t had the time to sit down and fully pour my heart into the post like I wanted. Well today I finally had some quiet time so I wanted to share with all of you our thoughts and heart behind baby #4!
If you grew up knowing me then you know I have always had a heart for children. I love every stage and truly felt from the beginning of my early life that all I wanted to do was be a mom. I wanted to be a mom to 4 kids more than anything. I dreamed of it actually, ask my mom! Growing up after my dad died at such a young age (read that story here) I longed for a younger sibling, I would ask my mom if we could take people’s babies home with us in public places which I’m sure made my mom and other people very uncomfortable! ha! I wanted the chaos of a big family so bad. Not that I didn’t love my family because I did dearly but there was always a part of me that wanted more, I wanted that big family and of course my mom being a single mom and never remarrying she couldn’t givve that to me!
I remember growing up I had names upon names for my future 4 children and I would just daydream about what it would be like to be the mom of 4 kids. It’s all I wanted and sounded perfect in my mind. Well fast forward to meeting Matt and getting married. He was pretty set on 2 kids and I was very set on 4…so what’s a couple to do?! Of course split the difference and go with 3! I mean it was only fair right?
Along came Greleigh, 22 months later Kaige, 20 months later Huxx and then…..we were done! We had our three beautiful babies that I had agreed on, even though deep down I longed for number 4 with all of my soul. About 2 weeks after Huxx was born Matt came home from work at lunch and told me he had his vasectomy scheduled for the next week…..um que the hysteria! In my defense I was still emotionally hormonally imbalanced but poor Matt, I don’t think he was expecting that reaction since we HAD agreed that 3 was our number! He very sweetly told me he would give me some time to process it and would’t just come home with a scheduled time again so he called the office and cancelled it. (The lady in the office laughed when he called and said “Sir, trust me this happens more than you know”) It’s funny now because I think of how crazy I probably looked and sounded but my heart just wasn’t there yet, I couldn’t do it!
Months and months passed and let me just tell you I prayed, I prayed and prayed some more for God to let my heart feel content. For Him to show my heart that 3 babies was what he had planned for my life. I so desperately wanted to feel that peace that everyone talks about and let me tell you it was no where to be found. Every time someone asked if we were done having babies I would honestly get the biggest lump in my throat and honestly just tried to smile through it and explain our “meet in the middle tactic” to lighten the mood but on the inside I was crushed.
Over these months Matt and I had several serious talks about our future and our children! We discussed finances, space, time, and all the things that come with having 3 children and Matt was honestly done. He told me several times that he just didn’t feel like we could do it and let me tell you many many tears were shed. I was trying hard to make myself be happy that I had a husband that considered all the important things for our future but my mommy heart was mourning. I was mourning over my dream of having 4 children. I was also mad at myself for not feeling done when there are so many people in this world that long for even one baby and my heart hurt during this whole entire process. I wished I could help all of those struggling with loss, infertility, etc and here I had 3 babies. I honestly felt guilty for wanting more.
After all the conversations, tears, and trying to heal my heart I basically just stopped talking about it all together. Unless someone brought it up it didn’t get talked about. It usually ended in tears so Matt & I avoided the conversation for many months. He knew my heart and I knew his…
We both knew that Huxx’s 2nd birthday was quickly approaching and had always talked about how we didn’t ever want our kids further than 3 years apart simply for the fact that we have been in baby chaos phase and never wanted to get out of it to just start over so I knew my months of even the smallest chance he would change his mind were dwindling down!
I had been on birth control since Huxx was 6 weeks old and in late June of this year we were having a nice slow night at home. We had put the kids to bed and were in bed watching tv when Matt looked at me and grabbed my hand and out of nowhere ” Babe, I would never ever want to hold you back from something you’ve always dreamed of. You were made to be mom and you are the best one I’ve ever known. I would love nothing more than to have another baby with you if you want to have another one! We will make it work no matter what” Y’ALL….I can’t even type that without bursting into tears. It was such an emotional night! I cried in his arms and I can’t even begin to tell you the immediate peace that came over me. My heart already felt full and I wasn’t even pregnant yet. It was an immediate God feeling y’all, like I felt Him in that moment telling me that this, this was His plan for us and it felt so good.
Well a short 2 months later there I was standing in the bathroom staring at the faintest line ever with tears rolling my face feeling so blessed. Again, that full feeling I had in my heart the night he told me we could have another baby instantly came rushing back. I felt complete in that very instant y’all! It was a beautiful feeling and one I had longed for for so long! I was a mom to 4 kids! My dream!
I didn’t even tell Matt I was testing that morning so he had no clue! I wanted to tell him in a fun way so I racked my brain all day for something cute a simple while trying to avoid talking or texting him because I was busting at the seams. Some of you may not know but we are also in the process of building a house so when I found out we had just started looking at floor plans that would fit our hopeful family of 6 so I found a plan online and labeled every room in the house. When he got home I told him I found a plan I really loved and gave him my computer. He opened it and started reading and then his mouth fell to the floor! It was so cute & fun! Here is the picture I showed him!
So once I told him we decided we didn’t want to tell anyone just yet, even our families! To be honest we weren’t ready to hear all the negative or sarcastic comments. Some of you know, when you have more then 2 kids it seems like the world wants to tell you that you’re crazy or that they would never have 4 kids or my favorite “you do know how this happens right?!” And while I know most of them are out of fun it still just sucks some of the fun out of it! We wanted to be excited in our little bubble and enjoy the first few weeks just the two of us being excited and prepping for the arrival of our prayerful baby #4! I’m sure there are still people that think what are they thinking, or why would we want 4 kids but to be honest it’s perfect for us and we couldn’t be more excited! I am beyond grateful for Matt and all he went through in this journey to saying yes to baby #4! I am so thankful that God prepared his heart to align with mine and to show him that no matter what we would make it work! I’ve yet to meet someone who truly wants to send one of their children back 😉
I know having 4 kids (6 and under) won’t be easy, always roses or a walk in the park but what I do know is that these 4 kids are loved by two parents who have prayed for them, over them and with them from the beginning and we will be a family full of love above all! I can’t wait for sheer chaos, all the giggles, all the fights, the holidays when they all come home from college, the grand babies someday and let’s not forget….alllll the laundry! <3
Ps. I have no desire to have any more children. 4 is it, it’s my heart’s desire and I feel so happy with our decision to be done!